Another retirement

The Onion scores another goal with its parody story about Eric Lindros retiring from a "78 year career" with Citibank.
This is right up there with some of their best hockey comedy.

My all-time favorite is If Al-Qaeda Had a Hockey Team, We'd Kick Its Ass!. I swear I burst into hysterical, cant-breathe, tears-streaming-down-my-face laughter every time I read that one. Unless you hate comedy, I strongly urge you to click and read. Here's a snippet:

President Bush'd be there to fire up our skaters by looking right at the al-Qaeda bench and repeating his warning to all terrorists: "Bring it on!" The crowd would go nuts! Everyone would be going so crazy, they'd hardly hear Ted Nugent sing the national anthem! The camera would cut to the al-Qaeda bench, and they'd all be sitting in their towel helmets thinking, "Oh, shit, what the fuck did we get ourselves into?"

Here are links to some of my other favorite hockey parody stories with little previews:

• NHL Admits Slam-Dunk Contest Portion of All-Star Skills Competition a Mistake ("Marian Hossa may have ended his career when he tried, and failed, to dunk from the blue line.")
  
• TeemuSelanne Practices Kissing Stanley Cup on Hand (Giguere said his offer to loan Selanne his homemade aluminum-foil kissing-practice cup was rebuffed by Selanne as "just sad.")
  
• Carolina Residents Confused, Terrified as Victorious Hurricane Players Riot in Streets("Following their leader—a man Canadian officials have identified as one Rod Brind'Amour—a group of between 26 and 30 heavily bearded Caucasians drove onto the Raleigh Chapel Hill Expressway at speeds exceeding 120 mph, causing several traffic accidents and overturning one 16-wheeler, which eventually exploded," Perlov said. "The members of the gang we're calling 'The Hurricanes' then exited their vehicles and descended on Hillsborough Street, where they entered the storied Velvet Cloak Inn, woke up guests by throwing alarm clocks, chairs, and mattresses out the windows, and then promptly burned them.")

Good stuff. Good stuff.

Thrashers 3- Canes 0. There's something about Johan.

The highest-scoring team in the NHL has just gone two games with a grand total of ONE goal scored. On Friday night, the visiting Thrashers blanked the home team, and the Hurricanes are on their first losing streak of the season.

After Wednesday night's clunker, I didn't think it could get worse. I thought they'd come out with all cylinders firing. I though wrong.

It wasn't so much that Carolina stunk. They certainly did, but Atlanta showed up and played 60:00 of hockey. They played better offensively, defensively, in transition, and in every way imaginable. Although they are the league's worst team in terms of penalty killing, they killed all four Carolina power plays. At times, they shut down the power play so effectively that it looked like Carolina was the shorthanded team.

In fact, that's how the whole game can be summarized. Carolina looked like they were shorthanded all night.

Maid Marian Hossa got the game winning goal at 5:41 of the first on a mini-breakaway. From the left side half-wall, Todd White hit Hossa with a pass in the slot. Hossa took the pass on his backhand side, and slowly dragged it to his forehand and easily beat Cam Ward. Ilya Kovalchuk got the secondary assist.

At 14:59 of the first, Maid Marian struck again on a pretty give-and-go with Todd White. The whole thing was started with a bad turnover by Bret Hediguchi just inside the Atlanta zone. Hedican's turnover was far and away the worst play of the game, and he earned the "Tevvy" for it.

John CusackIlya Kovalchuk potted an insignificant empty net goal at 19:01 of the third, assisted by Maid Marian. I think Hossa could have gone for the hat-trick, but unselfishly gave it up to the NHL's leading goal scorer.

The stat sheet says that Carolina outshot Atlanta 31-24, but Carolina's chances weren't very good, and they seldomly challenged the 34-year old Johan Hedberg. Hedberg became not only the second consecutive Swede, but the second consecutive Johan to beat the Canes. The winner at Tampa on Wednesday was Johan Holmqvist.

There was one good thing about Carolina's play. Chad LaRose was the hardest working player in red, and he drew all four of Atlanta's penalties. Unfortunately, the Canes couldn't capitalize on any of them, but he worked hard to put his team in a good position.

Carolina won't have much time to reflect on their loss, or mope about it. They'll stay home tomorrow for another SE division matchup. It'll be the Panthers for already the fourth time this season. After losing 4-2 in Sunrise on Halloween night, the Hurricanes have won the last two against the Panthers. Most recently on Monday night, when they won 4-3 but lost Erik Cole to a neck injury.

Fortunately for the Canes, neither Tomas Vokoun nor Craig Anderson is named "Johan" and neither is from Sweden. This will give the Hurricanes the decided edge. I've already looked into it, and Florida doesn't have any Swedish goaltenders in their system.

Speaking of Swedes, defenseman Nic Wallin is expected to return to the lineup tomorrow night against the Kitties. He's missed nine of the last ten games including the last seven in a row with a groin issue. This should help matters a lot, as it will get "Avi" Tanabe back in the press box.

The Kitties will almost certainly be facing Johnny Crackers between the pipes. The last time they saw Grahame was on November 3 in Raleigh when the Canes won 4-2. Last season, the Kitties were 1-2-3 in games versus Grahame.

Tomas Vokoun is the clearcut starter in Florida, and the Canes are 2-1-0 against him this season. Prior to this season, the last time the Canes saw Vokoun was in The Year of the Cup. After Frantisek Kaberle scored on a penalty shot in overtime against the Preds, Vokoun launched his goalie stick into the protective netting above the endboards, earning him an insignificant game misconduct penalty.

Carolina's goaltending, then, earns them an edge. Florida's forwards are looking better than Carolina's right now. The return of Nic Wallin would give Carolina an edge in the "defense" department.

Carolina should win the game on better goaltending. We'll see.

Neither Carolina nor Florida will be televising the game, so it'll be Chuckandtheletterk for me.

Oh yeah. Three stars. The three stars for Friday's game are:
THIRD STAR Ilya Kovalchuk, ATL --- 1 goal, 2 assists
SECOND STAR Todd White, ATL --- 2 assists
FIRST STAR Marian Hossa, ATL --- 2 goals, 1 assist

Canes defeat Thrash 5-3

On Saturday night, the Hurricanes atoned for their bad game on Thursday by beating their host Atlanta Thrashers 5-3. Carolina earned their 23rd standings point of the season, but were unable to widen their divisional lead over Tampa, who beat Washington 5-2.

Eric Perrin got the Birds on the board with an early goal at 2:33, assisted by Slava Kozlov.

In the waning seconds of the first, Carolina's captain notched one of those "momentum changing" goals. It's often said that a goal in the first minute of the game can set the tone, and a goal in the last minute can set (or change) the tone. The Thrashers' Alex Zhitnik was in the box feeling shame when Brind'Amour tapped one in with just one second remaining in the power play and seven seconds remaining in the period. Officially, it was a power play goal at 19:53, assisted by Ray Whitney and Cory Stillman. The assist extended The Wizard's points streak to nine games.

Todd White of the Thrashers went to the box early in the second. Both teams potted a goal during the ensuing power play.

First it was Maid Marian Hossa with the shorthanded goal at 4:47, assisted by Perrin and Ken Klee. It was the second shorty surrendered by the Hurricanes this season.

Just 31 seconds later, Viva knotted it up with a power play goal. It was the Hurricanes' 24th power play goal of the season, which leads the League. The goal was assisted by Eric Staal and Dennis Seidenberg at 5:18.

At 7:44, Brindy notched his second goal of the contest, which ended a four-game goal drought. Whitney and Viva assisted.

Cory Stillman banged in an insurance marker at 2:58 of the third. His ninth of the season ended up being the game-winner. This is his third game-winner of the season. Erik Cole and Bret Hedican got the assists.

Maid Marian made things interesting with his second goal of the night and his sixth of the season at 5:58. Todd White got the lone assist.

Down the stretch, Cam Ward made some dazzling saves to preserve the win, including no fewer than three breakaway chances. Maid Marian had a dandy breakaway chance to pick up the hat trick, but Ward was a stone wall, turning aside the shot and the rebound.

Eric Staal scored a garbage goal at 18:24, before Ondrej Pavelec had a chance to vacate the net. The young Czech netminder was handcuffed by Mike Commodore's shot from the right point, and he had difficulty controlling the rebound. He had this problem all night, and the Hurricanes took advantage. It was Staal's team-leading 12th goal of the season, assisted by Commodore and Stillman.

Staal's two points on the night make 21 (12/9) for the season, which put him on pace for 101 points on the season. That would be a career high.

Brind'Amour's two points on the night make 23 (8/15) for the season, putting him on pace for 111 on the season. That would be a career high.

Whitney's two points on the night make 19 (9/10) for the season, putting him on pace for 92 on the season. That would be a new career high.

Viva's two points on the night make 20 (6/14) for the season, putting him on pace for 96 on the season. That would be a new career high.

Stillman's three points on the night make 22 (9/13) on the season. Since he missed a few games, his PPG is higher, and he's on pace for 129 points on the season. That would be a new career high by quite a bit. His previous best was 80 (25/55) the year that Tampa won the Cup.

This was one of those games where there were a lot of different guys contributing. Nine different players registered at least one point, and the above mentioned five guys had two or more points. This is exactly what a team needs to do well in this league: synergy.

When Andrew Ladd returns, and if Scott Walker returns.... watch out.

With so many guys playing well tonight and contributing in key ways, it was hard to assign the stars.

FSN South gave the stars to Maid Marian (third), Rod Brind'Amour (second) and Cam Ward (first). The "official" three stars went to Ward (third), Maid Marian (second) and Brind'Amour (first). I see it a little differently. The RBH three stars:

THIRD STAR Rod Brind'Amour, CAR --- 2 goals
SECOND STAR Marian Hossa. ATL --- 2 goals, 23:47 TOI
FIRST STAR Cory Stillman, CAR --- GWG, 2 assists, 23:12 TOI

Carolina will continue their road trip with a game in Sunrise on Monday night. Expect the writers in South Florida to continue with their criticism of Carolina's skaters. Their press seems to have influenced the officiating in their favor last time down there, so they will probably try it again. If nothing else, their writers will be bored after having Saturday and Sunday off.

The interview with Rod Brind'Amour came after the game. It was nice, but it was obviously truncated, and there were quite a few breaks in the 30 minute segment entitled "In My Own Words". I learned one thing: after being drafted by the Blues, Brindy actually signed a contract, but immediately had second thoughts, and he got them to void it just seconds before it was to be transmitted to the NHL offices. Instead, he spent one season playing college hockey at Michigan State. After the Spartans were eliminated from the Frozen Four, Brindy signed the Blues' contract, joined them for the playoffs, and he scored a goal in his first game -- on his first shot.

Monday's contest against the Panthers will be nationally televised on Versus.